one day in the publix parking lot

i keep wanting to reach for you

i want to hear you laugh

i imagine your head thrown back 

laughing from your chest

but then i remember 

the number of times 

you wished me happy birthday

as if you couldn't be bothered

0

i remember you looking at the girl 

on the other side of you

at the bar

i think of all the times

you could have walked with me

to my car

and you chose not to

i can't remember hearing you 

ever say my name

Not a single time

sometimes i've wondered if you even know it

"I'm not looking for anything serious"

I should've blocked your number 

you put in the least effort

a reel here and there

not even bothering to respond 

when i send them to you

you ask no questions about my life

or even my day

why have i held a candle for you

all this time?

for so long i - a magical, rare thoroughbred- have held this space 

for you

an ordinary, unspecial, unmagical 

regular white donkey

with nothing really going for him

i could have loved you

like nothing you've ever encountered

before

but instead, i hope you find her.  

i hope she is bland and beige 

and small enough to fit into all the boxes...

and you compare her to me

i hope you and I run into each other somewhere one day

and the sun will shine on my brown skin

make my lips glisten 

and my cheeks pink

i will be radiantly happy

and you'll know EXACTLY where you fucked up

if there is any justice in the universe

i will get to see it on your face

later my kids will ask me, who was that guy?

and I will say with the smile that hides everything,

maybe someone who thought he knew me.