Third Letter, No Stamp

Hai.

if i'm being honest, i wanted you to be my gentle exit. i wanted you to reassure me that even in failure, even at 37, even with three children, i am beautiful, and funny, and smart and sexy.

i wanted to swap him out for you, fitting you into my life. 

i wanted you to make no real demands. 

i wanted you to give into me easily, so i could rest easy that i still had whatever the fuck "it" is. 

instead, i find you pulling away. Guess i've outlasted my usefulness to you: a safety, a sure thing up in these mountains, an ego boost... an option. 

sadly there was even a point that i was just happy to be an option... but now it is jarring and repulsive to me that i ever tolerated that behavior.  

your mistake Cowboy, was in treating the Unicorn like any other horse in your barn. 

my mistake was letting you in to that narrow space between my low self esteem and my pride. There exists a set of doors on rusty hinges - and they do not match or meet. How could You NOT want Me and how could you EVER want...me...?

but i've given you enough now, Coñejo.

you've given me nothing-

not a single thing. not so much as a genuine word without duplicity that i could hold onto. 

i cannot let this continue. 

I opened my hands to let go, and found I wasn't holding anything anyway. 

I may not know what I want. but I do know what I don't want. 

I am a complete and entire collection of glittering stardust and I will give no more shiny particles to you.

From the bottom of my mangled and stony heart:

Fuck You Very Much. may you trudge through snow alone forever,

LK