patterns and patterns again

She used to threaten to leave us

I remember panic making my mouth sour 

legs and arms heavy as if I'd been swimming all day

Quiet. 

As the storm of Her raged, I shrank

Drawing in to the safest place I could find

 quiet. Still. 

Later, with my hand on the doorknob and a baby on my hip

He would threaten to kill himself if I left

and I would taste panic again. 

i would force myself quiet and still

sinking into the core of myself

turbulence lulling me to sleep

chaos settling again into my bones

the familiarity of home.